My Domme is demanding in scene and dismissive outside it. I don't know where I stand. Is this normal?
Impact PlayInconsistency between in-scene and out-of-scene behavior is common in BDSM, but 'common' does not mean it is not a problem. A clear agreement about when the dynamic is active and what the relationship looks like outside of it resolves most inconsistency that stems from unclear expectations. Inconsistency that stems from disregard is a different matter.
The experience of not knowing where you stand is uncomfortable and tends to get worse over time, not better. Addressing it requires first understanding what is producing it.
Some inconsistency in BDSM relationships is structural: the dynamic has a clear on/off that both people understand, and the Domme's authority and engagement within scenes is not carried over into ordinary life because that is how the dynamic was designed. If this was never explicitly discussed between you, your Domme may be operating from one assumption and you from another.
A direct conversation about the structure of the dynamic outside scenes, what you each expect, what each of you wants, and what the relationship looks like when no scene is active, is the most productive first move. Many couples have not had this conversation explicitly and are each operating from different assumptions about what the dynamic includes.
If the conversation reveals that you want more consistent connection or recognition outside scenes and she does not, you have a genuine preference mismatch that is worth naming clearly.
Dismissiveness that is distinct from a simple scene/non-scene boundary is a different concern. If she is attentive and engaged during scenes and genuinely cold or contemptuous between them, without that being a negotiated dynamic (some people negotiate ongoing protocol that includes formal distance), that pattern deserves honest examination. Disregard outside scene space is not a feature of healthy dominance; it is the absence of care.
The question 'do I feel respected and considered as a person when we are not in scene?' is a useful one. The answer should be yes. If it is not, the relationship, not just the dynamic, needs attention.